Not Making It… Just Faking It

“I’ve just been faking it, not really making it.”

These words were quoted to me by my father when I was getting ready to leave home and go to college.  They were from a Simon and Garfunkel song.  I was expressing my worries about becoming an adult and how I didn’t think I could do it.  He said he felt the same way when he first ventured out into the world.  At the time, these lyrics truly helped put my mind at ease.  It was comforting to know I was not the only one who felt this way, and I was filled with hope that, in time, I would stop faking it and finally start making it.

Well, unfortunately, almost eighteen years later I am still just faking it.  When I left for college, I could not even fake it!  I got so sick dealing with my undiagnosed diabetes I fled and returned to the safety of my parents home, not even making it a whole year on my own.  When I was diagnosed with type one diabetes, I went into hiding and grasped onto the only things I knew how to do.  I went to college and did my homework, I exercised a lot, and I watched cartoons, the cartoons I grew up with and through which I learned about the world.  My reality was formed by cartoons.  I heard classic literature through the words of Bugs Bunny, I saw friendship portrayed through Hey Arnold and Rugrats, and I saw love through fairy tales.  When I was little, I believed this was what the world was supposed to be like.  Then I went out into that world and discovered nothing was the way it was in cartoons, and I could not handle the world as it really was.  I had to start over, I was a five year old in an eighteen year old body.  I tried to put on a front that I really knew what I was doing, but inside I was playing make believe.

Here I am on the verge of turning thirty-six and I am still faking it.  Everyone around me is setting up retirement funds, starting families and buying houses, filing taxes and actually keeping records of all their deductions, getting jobs (and they are good at them because they are not faking it).  At least I do have my dream job, but I am not good at it.  I think I am playing make believe.  I am getting ready to move to a place I plan to live in for the foreseeable future but instead of thinking about the investment of buying a house, I am looking to rent the smallest apartment available because I want to live with as little stuff as possible.  I have no idea of what I am doing, just taking one step at a time with no plan of how these steps will affect me later.

The one thing I am good at and know how to do well is being sick.  I can even do that on my own.  When my body cannot move because it is so weak, I can still make it to the bathroom, get dressed and function among others.  The safest place is in a hospital.  It is familiar, and I am around people who are just like me, sick, and in those moments all we need to do is deal with our sickness.  I am now at a place where I am not sick and I hate it because once again I have to face the reality that I am just faking it.  Will I never grow up and feel like I know what I am doing or will I forever be that five year old filled with unrealistic dreams of the future that will never be?

The Lord is always knocking on my door and I have always graciously opened the door for Him when I am sick. He enters and gives me a great hug, and I can stand on His feet and let Him dance around the room with me. He can do everything for me and I let Him. When I am sick, it is easy to let Him lead because I do not have the energy to contradict Him, but when I am well I have the energy, energy that I do not want. With this new energy I am consumed by the demands of this fallen world, and for some reason, I place these demands before God. I am scared everyone will see who I am, a child. However, within this truth I can gain strength from Jesus. If I can say out loud, “I am a child of God,” in His eyes, there is nothing to be ashamed of and faking it is okay. I am only living in this world, I am not of this world. If I were of this world, I would be able to make it, but I am not. I will fake it in this world so that I can make it to Heaven.

He Can Raise the Dead

“The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor.” Matthew 11:5

This is basically what happened to me.  God continues to restore my life.  My mother often comments that my name “Kat” is appropriate considering I appear to have 9 lives.  I recently lost my fifth one.  For a few months, my health had been deteriorating.  I was trying to ignore it and pray that the issue would resolve itself but in August I reached the point where I was running a constant fever, my body was shaking uncontrollably, I was always nauseous, and my muscles ached so badly I could no longer walk.  I had no choice but to go to the ER.  I was diagnosed with a severe infection in the blood, which was affecting almost all my organs.  I was quickly admitted into a hospital where I stayed for over 12 days.

During those 12 days, which felt like a lifetime, my life was completely changed.  In many ways these were the most terrifying and hardest days of my life.  I was sent to the ICU where the rooms had low ceilings and no sight of the outside world.  I felt trapped.  I had more tests done than I can count, and it seemed every day brought a new procedure.  I have no doubt I would have died in that hospital if not for the love of God.  He made sure I was given the care I needed.  I had countless doctors, but each one expressed true concern for my well-being.  I never had a nurse I didn’t like.  They were able to provide me with comfort when I needed it most.  Even though I was in so much pain and suffering, Jesus was always by my side, enduring it with me.  When I left the hospital, I felt as though Jesus had brought me back from the dead.  He had restored my sight, I was able to walk again, my wounds were healed, and I could hear the Lord’s voice which I could not hear before the hospital stay.

The hospital is not a fun place to spend time and I was ready to leave.  However, the Lord and His angels are very present there.  If I had not had my faith in God, I’m sure I would have died, not from the infection but from fear.  When you are in the hospital, you have no control over anything.  I was strapped to a bed, hooked up to machines monitoring my vital signs.  I had to rely on complete strangers to take care of everything.  I was helpless, but God was present through all of my experiences.  In that hospital, every moment was dictated by faith and hope.  I had faith that God was in control, and hope that He would get me through whatever I faced, and He did!

Now that I am out of the hospital, my journey to recovery remains. I need to take antibiotics for several weeks and each week I get blood drawn to make sure the infection is not returning. I am tired all the time and still recovering my strength. I am not sure what the future holds, to be honest. I have to take life moment by moment, but I am alive and God intends me to stay alive to continue to serve Him in this world.

The In-Between

At the end of January 2023, I embarked on a new journey.  To be honest, I was completely unsure what the significance of this new journey might be or what God had in store for me.  All I knew was I was out of any other options at the time.  My past had been filled with illness and depression.  The place I lived in did not help my physical or mental health.  I was in the south and had not seen snow in years.  It was as though I had been drawn into the desert, waiting on the Lord to lead me out of it in His time.

The time finally came; I purged all the weights I had accumulated over the years and left, ready for all things new.  Throughout my entire trip, the clouds came and covered the sky, which seemed beautiful to me.  I hate the sun.  Midway through the journey, I woke up to the gentle presence of the purity of snowfall.  I could feel a veil being lifted, as if God was turning a page in my life and showing me a new chapter.  When I arrived at my destination, the ground was covered with white snow and the waters were frozen.  I could let myself breathe again.  At that point I was just thankful to be in a new place where new adventures were possible.  What God really intended for me there was far greater than anything I could imagine.

I had been struggling with my current job, underpaid and under appreciated.  I started an intense job search, but it was unlike any previous search for employment in my past, basically because I had no idea what I was looking for.  Fortunately, the Holy Spirit did.  My mother found a job posting for the local diocese and encouraged me to apply.  Within 24 hours of applying for the job, I was called in for an interview.  The first interview was spectacular, which might be an odd word to describe an interview, but as the interviewer asked me the standard questions, I became more comfortable in my answers.  It was as though all the random jobs I held in the past prepared me for this one.  Over the course of the next month, I went through more interviews which caused some uncertainty for me, but also caused me to place more faith in the Lord.  Toward the end of the interview process, I convinced myself I would not get the job.  I began to mentally prepare myself to return to where I had come from, but then I was called back for a final time.  To my surprise, I was asked to consider an even better position than the one for which I had applied.

All my life I have been searching for people who could really see me, not just in job interviews, but with friends, peers, even family members.  I wanted to be seen for what I stood for, but more importantly for my devotion to the Catholic faith and the testimony I could present.  I was never able to understand why I kept being overlooked until I was placed where I am now.  This diocese “saw” me and wanted me to come and work for its Vicar General.  Somehow, all my past actions were brought out during the interviews, even when I thought I had failed at portraying myself, because the Holy Spirit was at work.

The past few months have been nothing short of a miracle. Thanks to my spiritual director, I recognized that I am in a moment of transition, or better said, the inbetween. The Lord has prepared me, He has illuminated, changed, and transformed my life. All of this has come together in a beautiful tapestry that I call my life. He has been present in every detail, and now these details have readied me for my next chapter. It will truly be an extraordinary adventure

Brutally Honest

Happy New Year!  Usually these blogs begin with the typical “as I look back on 2022…blah, blah, blah.”  I experienced several emotions over the past 24 hours, many of which were negative.  I was sad that I was all alone as the citizens of the world moved from 2022 to 2023, and I felt angry that I was forgotten by my friends and family.  They all have other friends and family members to be with.  I had no one to blame but myself; I set up my life this way.  I distance myself from people because I think I am better on my own.  Then I don’t hurt people and they don’t hurt me.  This works well for most of the year except for these holidays that are usually celebrated with others, and people who are alone realize how alone they really are.  I am going to be brutally honest–this hurts!  As I watched the ball drop and everyone said good-bye to 2022 and hello to 2023, I was in a hotel room once again, finding myself with no one next to me.

But this was just a single moment on this planet, and in the eyes of God, it is quite an insignificant one.  God was very kind, for after this single moment, He entered into my heart and spoke to me.  “If today you hear His voice, harden not your heart.”  All the negative emotions I had been feeling were lies.  In fact, it was just me throwing myself a little pity party. At these times we need to remember God’s time is not our time.  It is very easy to get caught up in these socially proclaimed holidays and believe that they will define our lives, but this is completely false.  God determines when life-altering moments occur.  He is in control of when the world changes and when mountains move and those times we will not see coming.  He will not conform to our schedule of when these events come to pass.

I am not going to lie; I think I will still be affected by these holidays. I will be 35 this year–officially midway through my thirties–and putting my life in that perspective terrifies me because I am one year closer to death and being alone for the rest of my life. However, this is also a lie. Although it is a powerful lie, I must keep my faith in God. His plan for my life is greater than I can imagine and He has the ability to alter time, to make a year feel like a moment, and a moment feel like an eternity

Modern Day Leper

In Biblical times, leprosy was perceived as badly as a kiss of death. Now the disease is curable, but in earlier times if you were unfortunate enough to have it, you were cursed for life. In fact, leprosy was considered a curse from God. Although leprosy did not kill those who were infected, it was highly infectious and caused disfigurement of the skin. Once infected, a person was often shunned and became an outcast from society.

Over the past year, I have been plagued with severe skin issues with unexplained reasons of origin.  My skin has always been sensitive, but the problems have usually cleared up easily.  Unfortunately, this time my problems have been prolonged with no relief. I developed serious bacterial infections on my skin which led to abscesses to manifest underneath my skin.  I had no idea what abscesses were, so when they first appeared I was terrified to go to a doctor because I feared they might be cancerous.  I tried to hide my symptoms but my bumps and rashes were on display for all the world to see.

I had rashes on one arm and both my legs.  Every time I went out I had to wear long-sleeved shirts and long pants.  I was living in California and the temperature was over 80 degrees.  I became a recluse, staying in my apartment and only going out when I absolutely had to.  The abscesses made it excruciatingly painful to move; I couldn’t stand up for more than 2 minutes at a time, and the rashes itched and continue to grow red and inflamed.  I felt like a leper, walking around with people who were healthy and able to function normally.  It is quite incredible to suddenly feel as though you are unwelcome in the world, to feel judged simply because you are plagued by a condition you cannot understand.

Jesus came into this world to save people who are misunderstood and to show love to them.  In Biblical times, having leprosy was a sign that you were unclean and this was caused by sin.  God deemed you unworthy of His good graces.  Jesus came to earth and not only saw lepers as people, but He touched them and cured them, making them clean.

Once again, we are in the season of Advent, waiting for the coming of Jesus Christ, our Savior. I am grateful for this time as I wait to be cured by my Savior. He has promised great things to me once I am cured, just as He promised great things for all His people waiting during this Advent. There are many modern day lepers being shunned because they are hurting, just like me. Jesus has already come and saved us all, but we are blessed to have a chance to remember His saving power in this season and during the Christmas season as well. I am truly thankful for this journey He has given to me, allowing me to suffer in the ways He did, but also to be cured through His saving grace.

As You Wish

God has asked His people to do some strange things throughout the course of history.  He told Moses to use a stick to part the Red Sea; He asked a man with leprosy to bathe in the Jordan river; He asked Abraham to take his only son up in the mountains and sacrifice him….He even asked His only Son to die on a cross.  A logical human being would consider all these requests and naturally ask the question “why”?

Even odder than the requests is God’s answer to the question of why He asked them of His children.  All these requests were made because He loves us.  One of my favorite movies is “The Princess Bride.”  Not only is the comedy timeless, but it tells a great love story.  Its message is clear from the first scene where the heroine, Princess Buttercup, asks a farm boy to do all manner of degrading jobs.  Every time she asks, he responds without hesitation, “as you wish.”  As time goes on, Buttercup gradually comes to realize that his simple response means “I love you.”  The love story of the princess and her farm boy actually symbolizes the love story we have with our Lord.

God can ask anything He wants of us, and we should take on the role of the farm boy.  Unlike Buttercup, God has reasons for His seemingly absurd requests, but at the root of them, He just longs for us to love Him in return for the great love He has for us.  About a week ago, God asked me to take a huge leap of faith and do many things I really did not want to do.  I had to go back to California.  While my family time there was much needed, California is a difficult place to live, and in fact, I became very ill to the point of almost dying.  Going back to that state after spending time in South Carolina with my parents stirred a fear deep inside me that caused me to put off the call to return as long as possible.  Finally I could no longer delay–I had left my car there and needed it back.  In addition to the dread of facing California, I would have to undertake driving across the country again on my own.  The enemy filled my mind with every prospect of danger on the road.  I am not a mechanic; if something went wrong with my car, I would be in trouble.

Nevertheless, I kept returning to the love story I have with my Lord, and I knew I needed to say, “as you wish.” Every time I utter these words, peace immediately floods my soul; I know the Holy Spirit will take control and the enemy will lose his power. Instead of this journey being a fear-filled experience it became an epic journey with the Lord. His requests may seem hard and illogical to me, but I have faith they are perfect for the purpose of my life because He loves me.

Hope of Another

There are times when I speak the word of God and feel as though I am speaking gibberish.  I wonder if anyone could understand the craziness emanating from my mouth.  I have been blessed with parents who have been able to affirm what I am saying, but is that enough?  It would be wonderful to hear the same language spoken by another.

Just the other day, a true miracle happened when I stumbled upon a podcast from Word on Fire.  Word on Fire is an organization run by the well-known Bishop Barron.  He had interviewed the popular actor, Shia LeBeouf.  At first, I had no idea what to make of the interview, mainly because it was hard to believe Shia had become Catholic.  I was a big fan of his when I was younger.  I started to enjoy his character Louis Stevens on the show Even Stevens sponsored by the Disney Channel.  I developed a significant crush on him as he grew older and played more roles in the movie “Holes” and “Charlie’s Angels–Full Throttle.”  Unfortunately, like many actors do, he fell on hard times.  It honestly broke my heart and I believed he was lost.  Listening to this podcast with Bishop Barron, it sounded as though Shia believed he was lost too.  He even came close to taking his own life, but then God stepped in.  Shia took on the role of playing Padre Pio in a movie, which was astonishing.

I listened to this interview as I walked through the mall in Augusta, GA.  I thought I must look insane because I had such a huge smile on my face.  Shia was speaking my language!  He spoke of his love for the Latin Mass because the others said in English sounded as though they were trying to sell him something.  He talked about the time he spent with the Capuchin Friars in preparation for his role and the way they took him in and offered him meals and laughter.  I had also been “taken in” by the friars in New York City.  My first Thanksgiving in NYC I was all alone with nowhere to go, so I went to the friars.  There was so much joy in serving a meal to the homeless, I could not believe you could have so much with so little to offer.

Most importantly though, Bishop Barron and Shia talked about how God took Shia’s life from an ego-drama to a Theo-drama.  Shia accepted the role of Padre Pio thinking it would revive his career, but instead God created a greater plan for him.  This gave me much hope because it is exactly what God did for me.  I went to New York thinking I would get a “big break” but instead I found myself giving my life to God and saying yes to His plan while giving up mine.  Miraculously, I discovered God’s plan was going to be much better than I imagined.  God takes whatever He can and uses it for His greater good.  He did that as well with Shia, and it was truly a miracle.

Shia’s story filled me with hope. God can do anything–save lost souls and transform them into people more incredible than they would have thought possible. I am now confident that there are other people who speak my language and completely understand the word of God.

Thank You for the Experience

I have been wishing, hoping and especially praying to find a husband.  God knows how much I have wanted that blessed family life with a husband and children.  Yet here I am, at the age of 34, and still no prospects of finding that life.  At times like these I normally fall into depression.  Worries and doubts fill my mind–am I not pretty, desirable, will I be alone my entire life?  I often forget or disregard all the beautiful experiences I have had with men.  These experiences have actually shown me the aspects I should seek in a future husband.  In recent discernment, I realized I have never thanked God for giving me these experiences.  So here I am, finally giving thanks for all the fairytale experiences God has provided.

Lord, I thank you for the boys of my youth.  The boy I proclaimed I would marry to his mother when I was in preschool.  The boy I went on my first date with to a museum and then to McDonald’s.  The boy I went through confirmation with who was my first true friend that was a boy.

Thank you for the dreadful guys who drove me mad in college.  The guy who took me out for coffee and spent 3 hours telling me his life story.  He took hours to finish one croissant.  Then there was the blind date who also told me his life story and bored me to tears.  I even went to a football game with him and his father.  I had more to talk about with his father.  I am grateful for these experiences because they showed me who I was not meant to spend my life with.  I should not seek a husband, but allow God to find one for me.

The first wonderful experience of a man was in the fairytale country of Ireland.  I was on a pilgrimage and a fellow traveler on the journey caught my eye.  He was unlike any man I normally would find attractive, but for some reason I fell for him.  He showed me what feeling shivery meant.  He was always checking to make sure I was okay, but more important, he made me laugh.  I never knew I could laugh so much.  Even though that was just an experience in a distant land, I came home knowing I needed a guy who could make me laugh.  I had another experience on another pilgrimage.  This man also made me feel shivery.  Whenever we walked on the street, he made sure that he was on the side closest to the cars.  There were moments when we were in big crowds and got separated.  He showed concern and stopped whatever he was doing to find me.  These two men were truly fairytale “princes” but unfortunately, they were just fairytale characters and make-believe, but God allowed me these experiences.

There were some real life experiences–relationships that were messy and confusing, but had moments of care and kindness.  The first man involved was like the Beast in the story of Beauty and the Beast.  He was rude, inconsiderate, and slightly scary, but he was able to be tamed.  He ended up proposing to me three times, only in jest of course.  He was one of those guys who said all the right things.  On the other hand, we had our fights and there was jealousy on both sides.  Then there was the broken man.  He was angry and confused about his life.  I tried to help him, but in the end, I knew only God could save him.  Nevertheless, these were experiences that allowed me to grow in my faith toward the Lord.

Finally, there was a recent experience when I was in the hospital.  Normally hospital experiences are terrible, especially overnight.  There is that ongoing joke that you never get to sleep while you are in the hospital, which is true, but this time I didn’t mind.  My nurse for my overnight care was a gorgeous male.  He had to wake me up every two hours and every time it never bothered me because I woke up to a handsome face with dark hair and blue eyes.  I never knew what it was like waking up like that and then to be cared for so much.  Of course, he was doing his job, but it was still a lovely experience.

All these experiences were real and precious because they were gifts to me from God. Most importantly, they provide hope for what is to come. God would never have given me these experiences if He didn’t want me to know who I was created for to spend the rest of my life beside. Thank you, Father, for these experiences, and the wisdom they have shown me.

Martha, Martha, Martha

Almost every Christian knows the familiar Bible story of Jesus’ visit to the home of the two sisters, Martha and Mary.  Mary chose to tend to the words of Jesus, sitting at His feet while He spoke. Martha chose to tend to everything else–making Him comfortable, preparing dinner, cleaning up afterwards.  For some reason, Martha gets a negative reputation for choosing more mundane tasks to performs as opposed to what Mary was doing, which was really important.  At the end of the story, Martha confronts Jesus and asks, “what about me?”  I had never heard Martha’s frustration expressed in those words.  She may not have been sitting at Jesus’ feet, listening to His words, but she was striving to take care of His needs.  Isn’t that what we are all asking Jesus?  When we are tired, beaten and alone, don’t we all turn to Jesus and ask if He has forgotten us, does He even care?

This can actually be a scary question because when you ask this of Jesus, you have to be ready for His answer.  I asked God this question this past week.  His answer truly surprised me because He does care, perhaps even too much more than I wanted.  Later in the week, I started to feel very sick.  I tried to dismiss it as acid reflux but as time went on, I couldn’t keep any food down.  By the end of one night, I had the dry heaves and could not stop them.  My heart rate started to increase and I was breathing intensely.  In the past, whenever there was something wrong, I would ask God if I should seek help aside from praying to Him.  The answer was always that He would take care of it and in the morning, the problem would be corrected.  When 4:00 a.m. hit and my heart was still pounding and I couldn’t even make it out of bed without feeling I was going to pass out and/or be violently ill, I knew it was time to call for help.

The next few hours were a blur.  I have been to the ER before, close to death, but I have never been consciously aware of the pain I was in and the pain would not go away.  I remember telling my dad that I was going to die but then the sun rose again and Jesus once more took care of me because I am still alive, and even more important, He was going to show me how much He cares for me.

One of the greatest blessings is for Jesus to allow us to enter into His passion and to feel some of the suffering He experienced because He can use suffering to redeem the world.  I always loved that sentiment, but I struggled to understand it.  How can my lying in a hospital bed help redeem the world?  Throughout the two days I spent at the hospital I met several doctors, nurses, technicians, etc.  They were some of the kindest and most loving people I ever encountered.  It was truly unbelievable considering all of my previous hospital experiences have been unpleasant.  The kindness of the staff at this hospital was infectious and even though I had barely enough energy to breathe, I wanted to return their kindness, and by the time I left, they knew that.  One doctor even declared that there was hope in this world after a conversation with me.

There is so much evil all around us, but there is hope, and it is because of all the Marthas in this world who ask Jesus, “do you care?

Where There Will Be Wailing And Grinding of Teeth

Among several health issues I have developed this past year, one involves the tendency to grind my teeth at night.  I attribute this to stress, which has only increased as the world continues to be driven deeper into darkness.  My dental hygienist actually admitted to me that she believes everyone grinds their teeth to some extent.  This simple statement led me to look up this reference to a quote from Jesus:

“but the children of the kingdom will be driven out into the outer darkness, where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth.”

~Matthew 8:12

Jesus said this after being astonished by the faith of a Roman centurion and because of this centurion’s faith, Jesus healed his servant from a distance, without even going to the centurion’s house.  Today, we are in the grasp of darkness as people everywhere are losing their faith.  Nine out of ten young adults who have been raised Catholic will fall away from their faith by the time they graduate from college.  No wonder we are all grinding our teeth!

I must confess, even I have fallen into this darkness without realizing I had done so.  I let the radiant glow of being a daughter of God fade.  I was dealt so many health problems that the trauma of each one allowed fear to enter my soul every time.  These traumas caused me to turn away from God and seek to regain control of my life in order to “fix it” myself.  At some point, I gave in and believed the lie that Jesus cannot heal me, and in addition, I believed I was going to die.

Once I took my gaze away from the Lord, I immediately fell into darkness.  Living in this world means living in a place controlled by the Prince of Lies.  We have to fight even harder against this to be a source of light in the darkness, putting on the armor of God in order to find our place at the banquet in Heaven.

I had been stripped of everything to the extent that when I looked in a mirror, I was disgraced by what I had become, but no more!  I am a daughter of God and in that truth, I am healed through Jesus Christ.

“And Jesus said to the centurion, “You may go; as you have believed, let it be done for you.” And at that very hour [his] servant was healed.” Matthew 8:13

I refuse to fall back into the lies. My faith has healed me and set me free to be a light in the darkness.