“B” is for Benny

I am currently doing my best to let go control over my life and allow the Holy Spirit to guide me.  This is not as easy as it may sound–even when I believe I have truly let go, I impose my own objectives on my actions and convince myself that what I want is God’s will and not mine.  However, the Lord knows me so well (better than I know myself) that He knows what I’m going to do before I actually do it and therefore factors in my mishaps and lapses in judgment.  What happened to me today is a perfect example of how beautifully the Holy Spirit can orchestrate life to not only ensure I am in the right place at the right time, but also in the right frame of mind to take on the task God gives me.
I was headed for New York City to meet friends before seeing a show on Broadway on the hottest day of the year so far.  The city was on high alert, due to extremely high temperatures in the forecast.  Normally when I visit New York City, I leave early so I can walk the streets the way I did while living there.  This time I chose to take a later bus because it wouldn’t have been safe to be outside in the heat as long as usual.  This seemingly minor alteration in plan led me to a different path, literally and figuratively.  The Lord led me down a side street I was unfamiliar with and, unlike most New York streets, it was almost deserted.  As I was walking, a man lying on the ground caught my attention.  At first glance he appeared to be the “typical” homeless person one sees so often on the streets, but as I came closer, something about him struck me as not typical.  He looked up and reached out his hand.  He didn’t say anything; I don’t think he was even looking directly at me.  He was no doubt dehydrated and hallucinating.  I’m embarrassed to admit I don’t pay as much attention to the homeless as I should, perhaps because I accept the lie that I’m not in a position to help them.  The Lord has been working with me to overcome this lie and putting me in this situation was another step toward that aim.  As I walked past this man, I realized there was no one else around.  No one would see him or help him; I was the only one who could.  A sense of urgency compelled me to “find some water,” as a voice inside me said.  I went into a nearby store and bought a bottle of overpriced water without hesitation.  As I brought it back to the man, I was relieved to see him up and moving around, but as I approached, he collapsed again.  “Excuse me, sir,” I began timidly, “but would you like some water?”  He nodded and took the bottle from my hand.  I asked if there was anything else I could do for him, and he said he could use some food.  Of course, I had none so I left him again.  I felt as though I needed to keep him conscious, so I found a grocery store and bought some fruit, protein bars, and a much larger bottle of water.  The urgency inside me did not ease up as I hurried back to the man, but I was comforted to notice that the street was becoming busier.  Hopefully the food and water I gave him would sustain him till someone else could do more for him, maybe even get him off the streets.  When I gave him the groceries, I asked for his name.  He said it was “B”, short for Benny, but he wanted to be called “B.”  I told him I would pray for him, and suddenly remembered I had some Miraculous Medals in my backpack.  I gave him one; I don’t think he knew what it was, but I left it with him, having faith that the Blessed Mother and her Son would protect him and do what I could not for him.  “B” told me he would be 66 in October and seemed very proud of that.  I walked away, praying he would survive until his 66th birthday.
So many insignificant factors led me to taking the road to “B” as well as putting me in the right mindset to do what I did when I found him.  I would never have remembered those medals if I hadn’t given one to a friend a few weeks ago.  More importantly, I would never have had the courage to reach out and help him if I hadn’t heard a similar story from one of my role models the previous weekend.  God is guiding me even as I continue to resist Him.  The past week was full of several failures on my part, which had created a defeated mentality in me.  I was actively asking the Lord’s forgiveness for not having more faith in Him when I met “B.”

That’s The Way It Is

When you want it the most
There’s no easy way out
When you’re ready to go
And your heart’s left in doubt
Don’t give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that’s the way it is~ Celine Dion, 
That’s The Way It Is
I learned sign language to this song in the sixth grade.  Though I didn’t realize it at the time, that year was one of the most significant in my life.  I was blessed with two truly gifted teachers and can confidently say I would not be the person I am today without them.  What they taught me far exceeded the basic educational subjects; they taught me about life.  Everyday they would check our day planners to be sure we had recorded our homework assignments.  They were also responsible for a xeriscape garden and enlisted all their students as helpers as well as to educate others about the importance of this garden.  We actually had to invite people to come and tour the garden, led by us!  They taught us sign language, and at the end of the year we held a “concert” for our parents, which included “signing” two Celine Dion songs.  These two teachers opened my eyes to the world.  I was no longer comfortably secure in elementary school, which terrified me.  I remember always being afraid of messing up in front of them; I never wanted to disappoint them.  As scary as that year was, I got a strong dose of how to deal with reality.  They used to say, “you may hate us now, but you’ll thank us later,” and I did and still do.
One of these teachers became my Confirmation sponsor in 8th grade.  After middle school, I lost touch with her, but always hoped to reconnect.  When I was diagnosed with diabetes my first semester in college, I was filled with a revitalized need to re-establish communication with her.  Diabetes requires a great deal of self-discipline, a skill she instilled in me in sixth grade.  Without it, I would not have had the same ability to manage and monitor my blood sugars, and in that sense, I owe her my life!  I was fortunate to find her mailing address and sent her a letter.  Miracle of miracles, she wrote back and invited me to come visit her.  Getting to know her as an adult was odd but wonderful.  She insisted I call her by her first name.  I struggled with that since she had emphasized that we should address her as “Miss” back in middle school out of respect.
A few years ago she was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer.  I have never known another person who fought so hard to conquer the disease.  She started writing emails to update her close friends and family regarding her progress.  It was always inspiring reading her hopeful messages.  She never gave up and was willing to do whatever it took to keep going.  The pains and trials involved did not deter her; if anything, they motivated her to fight harder.  She started an annual tradition of gathering her friends together for a “Celebration of Life.”  I began to see the human side of my sixth grade teacher, whom I had previously considered indestructible.  On July 5, 2019, she finally finished her battle with cancer and is now at peace in heaven.
On the same day, I was taking a small road trip to visit friends for the weekend.  I had just finished praying the Divine Mercy chaplet around 3 p.m. and all the sky opened up in a torrential downpour.  I have never experienced anything like it!  All cars came to a standstill on the highway because there was no visibility, just a solid sheet of rain.  I should have been frightened, but instead I was overcome by the Father’s love, and in that moment I knew I was exactly where I should be.  I was completely still, completely under the protection of the Lord in prayer.  When the clouds parted and the sun shone I heard the words, “it is finished.”  The next day I received an email from one of my teacher’s friends saying that my teacher had passed away.
Ever since I first met that teacher I had a strong feeling she was an angel.  I am so blessed that the Lord allowed her to be a part of my life as long as she was.  She helped guide me through life like a true guardian angel, and now she will continue that guidance from heaven.

And that’s the way it is…

Let My People Go

“Then the LORD said to Moses, “Go to Pharaoh and speak to him, ‘Thus says the LORD, the God of the Hebrews, “Let My people go, that they may serve Me” ~ Exodus 9:1

This weekend I learned that the company I worked for while living in New York City was closing. I cannot say the news surprised me; what surprised me was my reaction to it. One of the main reasons I was so eager to leave the company was the fear it would close and I would be out of a job. The company had been struggling for quite some time, but its managers were good at hiding this from its employees. They had a way with words that made it seem as though conditions would only improve. I bought into this lie when I first accepted my job there. After realizing I had been manipulated into this, I became very angry with the company. The true freedom I experienced on quitting was wonderful and an enormous relief. It’s terrible to admit but part of me wanted the company to close out of sheer spite. However, when I heard that it was definitely closing, I didn’t get that satisfied feeling–instead, my heart broke. All kinds of memories flooded me, and I thought of all my former co-workers. They are some of the most incredible people I’ve ever met and they are still my family. They showed me what “family” really means. We lived and worked together and despite all the hardships we endured, we had each other’s backs. I could go to them with any problems, and they always helped me feel better.
After reliving several memories and putting myself back into that workspace, I brought all my emotions to the Lord, hoping He could make sense of this. His voice came through so clearly, there was no denying it. Just as He said to the Israelites in Egypt, He once again spoke: “let my people go!” Today the doors of the company closed forever, and His people are finally free. There is a great deal of fear about what happens next, especially since the news of the closing came so quickly, it did not leave much time for the employees to search for new employment. The Jews in Egypt did not have much time to make plans either–all they had was their faith in the Lord that He would deliver them from Pharaoh, and He did. That mass exodus was the beginning of an epic journey toward true freedom.
I feel as though this closing was another mass exodus orchestrated by God. All the people involved have such talents and can truly change the world given the right motivation, now that they are not trapped by the fear of leaving the comforts of their jobs, which weren’t very comfortable at all. They needed a little push and now they are free, free to go and serve the Lord using the abilities He gave them. Tomorrow will come; the sun will rise and reality will set in–there is no longer a store to open. Now there are so many new possibilities. They can do anything because there is no store to open. The future is bright and holds the promise of new changes. God is acting in this world. I believe He is working on something as big as the Exodus that will change the course of the world as that event did so many years ago.


On Corpus Christi Sunday, the Gospel focuses on how humans have this never-ending desire for satisfaction. If I only look to worldly goods to quench this thirst for satisfaction, I will never find it because there will always be something outside my grasp. For me, this constant drive to be satisfied is painfully familiar. When I seek satisfaction in my job, my love life, even in the food I’m going to have for dinner, I ultimately end up dissatisfied. I spent most of my time building up this determination to attain complete control of my life. I was building my life on the great lie that I can do anything. As a result, most of my life till now has been full of disappointments. It was not until I gave up that I finally achieved satisfaction. The ugly truth is that I cannot really do anything. Everything I am today is due solely to the Lord and His place in my life.

It is so easy for human beings to fall into a routine in life and forget there is so much more than the career, the relationship, the car, the popularity or even the money (just to name a few). Nevertheless, these are the goals people naturally aspire to for complete satisfaction. I wanted so much from this world; when I started college, I majored in political science because I wanted to be the first woman president. God had other plans. I was diagnosed with diabetes my first semester and suddenly found myself without any direction. This was the perfect place for the Holy Spirit to enter in. “If your life is not disturbed, there is no relationship with God,” as a priest stated in his homily for Corpus Christi. I now live with a chronic illness that is a pillar of my life every day. I would say that is pretty disturbing! The priest continued to explain that Jesus sent out His disciples to disturb the world. They entered towns and started preaching the gospel, calling people to let go of everything they had because there was something much more satisfying than anything else. I thank God for the role diabetes plays in my life because without it, I would not be who I am today–a child of God, completely satisfied with my life. My job is not exhilarating (it can be quite boring, in fact), I don’t drive a snazzy car (mine is used and rather worn down), I am not a millionaire, and I don’t have a special relationship or a husband. What I do have is relationship with Jesus Christ. There is nothing in this world that lasts forever, so why spend any time or effort trying to hold onto it? Jesus Christ is forever, and He has given me everything I have. Since it has all come from Him, I know it all I need to be satisfied.

That is why I am writing this blog today because tomorrow is not guaranteed, and that is okay. For this moment, I am content with the presence of Jesus Christ, and this is enough for me.

A Million Dreams

My job requires a great deal of data entry and monotonous paper filing. These tasks can get very lonely and there are hours during the day when I have no human interaction at all. This past week I hit my breaking point and was consumed with an incredible claustrophobic feeling. I retreated into prayer asking for relief from the Lord and His answer was simple, He said listen to music. The answer was so obvious, I was amazing that I hadn’t considered it sooner. I went to my Pandora app on my phone and searched “Disney.” I needed something uplifting and I grew up in the 90’s when Disney was hitting its peak releasing one hit song after another so I naturally just thought of those classic songs. My childhood was molded based off those classics like “The Circle of Life” from The Lion King, “The Colors of the Wind” from Pocahontas, and “You’ll Be in my Heart” from Tarzan; just to name a few. Over the course of the week I could feel myself being brought back to life through the music. It didn’t just help me get me out of the solitude confinement I was trapped in at my job but it also awoke the dreams that I had when I was a child.

God blessed me with an extremely vivid imagination growing up. I would often make up stories in my head and then go outside and act them out in my backyard. This imagination allowed me to believe that anything was possible. When I grew up, reality entered into my soul and crippled all those dreams. I was diagnosed with a chronic disease, type one diabetes, and I lost my belief that anything was possible. My world went from multi- colored to stark, two-dimensional and black and white. It has now been over ten years since being diagnosed and I am just now remembering what it feels like to believe in the impossible. I owe all of this to the inner workings of the Holy Spirit. His promptings to revisit the classic music of those childhood movies was the next step in His grand design.

Not all the songs that I have been listening to were from Disney, some songs came from a movie which was released last year, The Greatest Showman. I had seen it when it first came out and was truly taken by it. Like the classic Disney movies it was inspiring. This one song “A Million Dreams,” was especially invigorating.

“They can say it all sounds crazy. They can say I’ve lost my mind. I don’t care, so call me crazy. We can live in a world that we design. ‘Cause every night I lie in bed. The brightest colors fill my head. A million dreams are keeping me awake” ~The Greatest Showman, A Million Dreams

This song caused me to think how backwards life can be. This world has this ability to keep people for dreaming and longing for unimaginable possibilities simply because this world claims them to be impossible. The world calls people “crazy” if they dare to be different. Yet these movies still come up like the Greatest Showman and they grow in popularity as the world takes notice. Why is this? Could it be because we are all starving for these dreams in our own lives? I believe God places these dreams into our hearts because it is His way of calling us home. We live in this world but we are not of this world so we retreat into our imaginations were “we can live in a world that we design.” This past week I have seen life through music and it has inspired me to live differently. I will seek the Holy Spirit to show me His world that He wishes me to live in, the world where anything is possible.

A Friend

Last year, when I was living in New York and working at a truly horrible job God graced me with several blessings in order to keep my spirits up. Those blessings were also key contributions to my journey with the Lord because they were constant reminders that while I was “in the trenches” at a terrible job I could always count on Jesus to be there enduring the terrors with me. One of those blessings was a friendship with a coworker. We bonded when we were both scheduled to work in the pastry department and were tasked with handling an extremely large delivery of cookies. It was a grueling task and one that we would have never been able to do alone. It was through that task that we discovered how much we could rely on each other for anything. Over time our friendship only grew stronger and after I left that job he was really the only person I continue to maintain steady communication with.

This friendship came as a surprise to me because we were so different. While working at that job I was quite open about my Catholic faith and he was quite open that he was not. I never felt judgement from him though and instead he asked and continues to ask about my faith. In fact, even though our religious beliefs do not always match we always end up agreeing on many “hot topics” that can often create major divisions between people. We both can see that we were meant to have this friendship with one another. He believes that it was done by the universe where as I know it was the Holy Spirit. Nevertheless we are united in the faith we were destined to be in each other’s lives and this belief was only affirmed last week. We had somehow found ourselves on the topic of my future wedding. To clarify, I am not engaged and I am not even dating anyone but we like to fantasize about the wedding day just because he is a florist and being the artist he is has already started picking out flower arrangements. It is no secret that one of my greatest desires for my life is to find that special guy and get married however I also have a deep desire to be a mother which I have not expressed to the general public quite as much. I have never had that motherly instinct and I do not gravitate to children like some do. It is because of this I question if I would be a good mother. In the deepest part of my heart I have that fear that God does not intend on me becoming one. Fortunately, the Lord knows my heart and knows what I need to hear and when I need to hear it. During that wedding conversation I was having with my friend he suddenly shifted the conversation from the wedding plans to motherhood. He told me that even though he is extremely excited to see how my future love story turns out he is even more excited to see me as a mother because he knows how wonderful I will be as a mother. This statement was so powerful I was left speechless. It was in that moment that I realized I had never heard that before. I have never heard someone consciously tell me that they think I would be a good mother without any coaxing from me. I have complete confidence that the Holy Spirit was using my friend to get a message to me. I told my friend that his statement was the most incredible and significant thing anyone could ever say to me because his words left me forever changed. I was filled with this new and enriched faith that I am meant to be a mother someday and that I can actually be good at it. The Holy Spirit is beautiful in His design and He can perform miracles in the most simplest of circumstances. I am so grateful to have this friendship in my life and it is because I know that it is a gift from God.

The Pink Elephant in the Room

This blog has become a way for me to express my spiritual journey I have been on for the past year and a half. I have truly put deepest thoughts and emotions into the text of these blogs in the hopes that my story might reach others and they may be able to relate and even gain comfort from my words. I have tried to be completely honest and hide nothing. There is one thing that I have not been able to speak of and upon great reflection with the Holy Spirit I have come to realize that this aspect of my life that I have been concealing might be the main subject I should be addressing. Through this blog I am finally able to overcome all the pent up fears of judgement and address the “pink elephant in the room.”

It was Saint Ignatius of Loyola that provided me with the confidence to write this blog. He has written about the internal spiritual warfare that humans endure. The enemy targets our greatest weaknesses and neuroses creating fear of exposing them. We become so consumed by these fears we fall into this trap and become convinced that if our struggles are exposed we will be criticized and judged leaving us dehumanized. I have fallen into this trap again and again for my entire life but it stops today. I no longer want to live out my life based on these fears.

For as long as I can remember I have had a negative self image of myself. It has gotten so bad that I can no longer look in the mirror and see a true representation of myself. I grew up with the belief that being skinny is the most important thing and if I was not skinny nothing else mattered. Throughout my life this belief has effected me in different ways. When I was in high school I felt shame and failure because I was not skinny and bordering on being overweight. I lived based on the lies that I was less of a person because I was bigger than most especially my family members. When I was diagnosed with diabetes I lost a great deal of weight and I was finally the skinniest person in the room. Unfortunately, being skinny only bred new and greater fears. I feared gaining all that weight back. Every time I gained a pound the enemy entered in and instilled the fear that people would notice and once again judge me for my weight gain. Everything that I did was based off how it would effect my weight. I got addicted to exercise and developed a hatred of eating in front of people. It was not until I moved to New York where I was able to start seeing how much these lies had controlled my life. In New York I recognized something (or someone) that was more important than my weight, it was Jesus. Weight and the pursuit of skinniness had become an ideal. It was a harsh reality but Jesus revealed to me that as long as I keep this idolatry of weight I could never completely give myself to Him. This broke my heart because I there is nothing I want more than to give myself entirely to Him.

The question then becomes, how do I overcome this? This lie that weight is the most important thing has been imbedded into the makeup of my being since I was a child. These lies that the enemy has put inside does not just plague me. The enemy had been planting these lies into my family for several generations before me. These lies have the terrible ability to take away lives. These lies stops with me because I finally have the courage to expose them and bring them into the light. Saint Ignatius said that the enemy has the most power when he stays hidden in the dark. Through out my life my family lived with these lies but we never talked about it openly because of fear. Fear of what??? God wants nothing more than for these lies to be brought into the light so that He can take care of them once and for all. The truth is I am weak and these lies are far greater than my ability to handle so I am giving them to the Lord. This blog is me bringing these lies into the light and taking away their power over me and hopefully their power over my family. I am a child of God and He made me in His image. In the arms of the Lord I am weightless.