I said good-bye to my job yesterday. It was nothing less than surreal. This job had been my constant and my everything during my time in New York. I actually begged my boss to let me work on Thanksgiving last year because I didn’t want to be alone on the holiday. At that time the closest thing to family were my coworkers. During the last days at my job I truly was saying goodbye to my family members. Sometimes it is hard to see the impact a person has on your life until you have to let them go. I had to let a lot of people yesterday and in turn they had to let go of me.
I have been blessed to have this job and looking back I was able to recognize the reasons the Lord put me in that place. I was meant to have that job. I am not the person that I was when I was first hired. I was quiet, insecure, and subordinate. I had no concept of my worth. Through that job the Holy Spirit was able to enter into my soul and revitalize it. What was the greatest surprise was that when I opened up and allowed my true self to shine people actually saw it and appreciated it. I spent most of my life not being seen, countless times I had experienced feelings of being invisible which resulted in me believing that I may just be unimportant or worthless. I was just another person taking up space. This was the greatest lie fed to me by the enemy and I had been living with it for so long I couldn’t even acknowledge the lie. The Lord brought me into the truth and showed me who I am. I am a child of God and that in the most important role anyone could ever have. I can now leave that job because it has fulfilled its purpose. I know who I am and I can enter into this this world with confidence knowing that no one can take away who I really am. As I walked out of that job into the real world for a moment I felt alone, putting my work family behind me and venturing out by myself. But I was not alone, Jesus Christ was right there on the other side waiting to take me home.
This has been an unexpected and surprising Christmas season. In many ways it has not felt like Christmas. I have been so caught up with the crazy schedules of work it made it difficult to stop and take in the joys of the season. On top of that it has barely snowed, it has only rained. I love the rain but it does not bring the feeling of Christmas cheer. It wasn’t until I came to my final days at my job that I realized how much the spirit of Christmas had been present in my life all along. We are in the season of Advent and we are awaiting our savior Jesus Christ. I just quit my job, I should be terrified because I just lost my consistent source of income and my health insurance. What am I doing? I have no fear though and I have never felt more at peace. Jesus Christ has truly come and He has come and saved me. Instead of seeing doors closing I am seeing them open. The possibilities are endless because I am finally free.
What is next for me?
Everything! I want to do everything and be anything and I can do it because I know who I am in Jesus Christ.
After a year and some months I was finally able to break the ties and quit my job. The emotions that came after were surprising. There have been several months leading up to this day and were many days when I was tempted to quit on the spot. Nevertheless when the time came to actually say the words “I quit” I hesitated. Some of that hesitation probably came from my fear of telling my boss, he tends to take things personally and has an ability to passive aggressively make you feel terrible. Aside from that there was also a feeling of not wanting to let go. I became very aware of the Satan’s capability of subtly manipulating your mind. Yes, I hate that job but it is an income. Satan can grab hold of those thoughts and heighten them. The minutes that came after I quit were filled with doubt.
“What am I doing?”
“Am I making a mistake.”
“I am living in New York and I don’t have a job. What am I going to do?”
“This job really isn’t that bad.”
All these thoughts are lies fed to me by the enemy. The Lord was gracious enough to allow me to rationalize the situation while in prayer. I do have many prospective job possibilities and I don’t want to stay in New York anyway. He also reminded me of all the terrible things that I had to endure while working at that job. In God I place my trust and I know if He really wanted me to stay I would not have been able to speak the words “I quit.” I did and therefore it must be God’s will.
I am now facing the task of telling my coworkers that I will not be returning to work in the new year. I am once again facing the lies and doubt the enemy is placing inside of me. I have come to truly care for these people who I work with. My job had been my home away from home, a little dysfunctional family. Do I really want to say goodbye to them? Can I say goodbye to them? For most of my time there I felt like I was living a strange version of the Beauty and Beast fairytale. We were all trapped in the grand palace (store) that used to be wonderful and flourished but has now been cursed and has cursed the people trapped inside. Though cursed these people are able to bring light and happiness to the drudgery of the everyday. There have been true angels that I have met while working there. Like Belle in the fairytale I have found friends who saw me for who I really was even when I wasn’t able to and like wise I was able to see them for who they truly were. Even the Beast (my boss) was able to be tamed by the end. He may have had a rough exterior but he did hire me because he saw believed in me and without that initial faith he had I would have not made it as far as I did.
The Lord clearly placed me there for several reasons. Working there allowed me to learn about myself and learn about the human condition. I know these people inside and out, including al their faults, the good and bad are what make us human. The crosses my coworkers bare are why I love them so much. I have struggled in the job but it has made me stronger and I will carry that strength into the next chapter of my life wherever that may be.It is appropriate that I am quitting during Advent, it is a time of waiting and great anticipation. Like Belle trapped in that castle awaiting to be freed by the prince, I too am waiting. My prince, Jesus Christ, is coming and by Christmas He will set me free.