Do You Believe?

“Do you believe that I can do this?” Jesus asked the two blind men who came to Him pleading to Him to restore their sight.
“Yes, Lord, ” they said to Him.
Then He touched their eyes and said,
“Let it be done for you according to your faith.” Matthew 9:27-31
This was the essential message of the Gospel reading this past Friday, which also happened to be the Feast of St. Nicholas. It was a truly significant day for me, in more ways than one, and could be perceived as very bad or very good, depending on how I chose to answer the question that Jesus asked, “Do you believe I can do this?”
My day began with a doctor’s appointment.  I did not have high expectations for this visit.  Since I moved away from Colorado, none of my doctor’s appointments have been uplifting.  My blood sugars have been consistently going up–not to the point where they are uncontrolled, but just enough to be noticeable.  As I waited for the doctor, I prepared myself for more of the same news.  I was sure my blood sugars had gone up again, and my doctor would have to restructure my life and daily routine in the hope that my blood sugars would become more manageable.  To my great surprise, for the first time in over two years, my blood sugars had gone down!  Not only had they gone down, they had dropped over an entire point!  My doctor continued to say that all my blood work “looked great,” and there were no complications.  I left the office feeling as though I were on “cloud 9” and nothing could bring me down.  My life in New Jersey has become more and more comfortable and I had reached a point where I truly felt at home in the life I had created there.  The evidence that my blood sugars were once again in an appropriate range for someone with Type 1 diabetes was proof that I was now comfortable, so comfortable that even my blood sugars could “relax,” and provide me with a sense of normalcy.
This positive doctor’s appointment lured me into a false sense of security.  What happened next I never saw coming.  After my appointment, I headed to work.  The sense of joy and happiness was suddenly stifled as I walked into my office.  Something was off, but I  didn’t know what it was.  I resolved not to give in to negativity though; I put a smile on my face and began my work day.  At the end of the day, my supervisor came into my office.  “Great news!” she exclaimed. “We have found a perfect new office space and we will be able to move into it by the end of the year.  It is in Connecticut.”  From her perspective and that of most people in the office, this was good news.  They all live in upstate New York or in Connecticut, so their commute will be shorter.  However, for me, this news felt like a death blow.  Here I was, in a place of true peace because I had reached a state of contentment, only for it to be completely destroyed with this short, simple statement.  Just when I thought my life was stable, I learn that I have to uproot myself once again and move to another state.
My mind immediately switched to control mode, trying to come up with different ways I could fix this situation without moving.  My mind also began to run through everything I would have to give up–my place of residence, my church choir, my social community, my friends, my routine, my doctor (who had just given me the best news about my health!).  My heart was breaking and my soul fell into despair, but I did not stay in this depressed state for long.  Why?  Because the Holy Spirit intervened and gave me hope.  To be honest, this move was not unexpected.  I was initially hired knowing that the company wanted to relocate to Connecticut where the owner resides.  Nevertheless, it took a bit longer than they predicted, which left me with no choice but to establish roots in New Jersey.  The Holy Spirit reminded me of my commitment to Him back when I first accepted this position.  Now, although the timing seems off from my perspective, God is calling me to Connecticut.
I can see Jesus looking at me as He looked at those blind men in the Gospel, asking, “Do you believe I can do this?”  My answer is a resounding, “YES!”  Jesus led me from the depression of living in Colorado to the desert and wasteland of New York City, only to save me and deliver me into the promised land of New Jersey.  I have no choice but to trust Him.  He has a grand plan for me, and I cannot deny His call.  My life in New Jersey is beautiful and comfortable, but that was not the life I asked for.  I asked for life as a disciple of Jesus Christ, and a disciple’s life is never comfortable.  It is beautiful, but it is also complicated.
Immense change for me is on the horizon and it will not be easy, but I have my faith and it will be my faith that saves me.

2 thoughts on “Do You Believe?

  1. After reading this blog, I was reminded of your meeting with one of your spiritual directors shortly after you moved to New Jersey. You asked him why God had “delivered” you from the wasteland of NYC into the relative paradise of New Jersey. You wondered whether you should accept this easier state of being, and your director assured you that you should indeed relax and enjoy it, so as to build up energy for the next harder period of time in your life when God might require you to embrace a new challenge that might seem very difficult. You can be assured He will take care of you every step of the way–to Connecticut and/or beyond!

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  2. A satisfying well of inspiration sprang up as I read this post. Since I consecrated my life to my Master and Savior, Jesus the Christ there’s been a pronounced, unsettled disquiet within and around me, that may best be described as a profound peace while simultaneously being plagued by agitation. Reading your thoughts, I wondered if He’s simply made me more aware of what He meant when He described us as double minded. He’s given authentic peace and resilience to my soul, the real me, the one He created to actively give succor to my fellow men and women. All of that sudden, conscious strength has cause my other, original sin mind to attempt to maintain control at all costs. I’m not sure about this, but suspect it in prayer. It seems consistent with passages of daily scripture reading. And, may I thank you painting a strong, clear image, a bit like a mirror of my experience.

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