I am not a social butterfly. I have spent most of my life trying to be but always ended up failing. It has become a terrible cycle. I commit to all these events with complete confidence that I will be able to go to them but then as the time draws closer I start to have second thoughts and I begin to think up excuses to get out of my commitments. Inevitably, I end up backing out at the last minute. As a result, I feel degraded and a failure. I also have let others down by not going and I do not like hurting others especially my friends. I become consumed by troubling thoughts such as, “what if I went against God’s will,” “what if God wanted me to go and had great plans for me,” “was I supposed to meet my future husband at the event and miss my chance,“ “did I just mess up the Lord’s plan because I didn’t go?” I have been plagued by these questions for most of my adult life. I always felt like I was letting God down when I found myself unable to go to social events.
This past weekend I found myself in this hard situation once again. I over committed myself. I had the opening shift at my job Saturday and Sunday which meant I had two afternoons entirely free. Unfortunately, those opening shifts can be very draining especially when I have them back to back. When I am drained I need time to rest and recuperate. The idea of going to another event after work truly exhausted me. It was through this realization that the Lord spoke to me. I was finally able to recognize that the Lord created me this way and there is a reason for it. I am not a social butterfly and attending events that require me to be extroverted is an extreme challenge for me. God would never ask me to change myself because that would mean changing His own design. I truly end up fearing going to these events and it can make me physically ill. It is critical to remember that God does not act though fear. Fear is a motivator used by Satan to make us fall away from the Lord. I need to alter my thinking and instead of believing I am letting God down by not attending I should start believing that I am actually fulfilling God’s will by acting in the way that feels right to who I am and who God made me to be. I am an introvert and I enjoy having time to myself. In fact it is during these solitary times that the Lord reveals himself to me the most.
I can now say with absolute certainty that I am living up to the person God made me to be. I will listen to what my body is telling and be true to it. If there is any uncertainty it making a social commitment and fear enters into my mind I will have faith that it is not the will of God for me to go. If there is a event that He wants me to attend He will make it so and there will be no uncertainty involved.